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R A C H E L L E
Rachelle is free to say whatever she wishes regardless of whether Mike or I agree with her or not - I upload what she sends - full stop. Having discussed this at length with her I think it is important to point out that her purpose is not to guide anyone, far from it; her only hope is to be honest – warts and all. She is very keen to display the process of her growth, not necessarily her conclusions.
Welcome Rachelle.
Many thanks,
James G
I am Rachelle, an American, living in the midwest. I am divorced and a single mom. I have been dating someone for some time, but have no desire to jump into anything serious. I have children to think of and raising them is my priority at present. I am in college studying linguistics and chemistry. Strange combination I know, but the linguistics is for fun. I have a job in the computers industry and work flexible hours.
I am 39 and did not begin my using until aged 32. Iwas very quickly taken in by my drug of choice. I spent over 3.5 years in the rooms trying to stop what I started. I was very serious about it and did all I was told to do including meetings daily, sponsoring, continuous stepwork and even teaching the big book at treatment centers. I go to no meetings now. I so vigorously disagree with the program that to attend would be antagonistic.
I am starting over as most of my pals of recent years were in the program of the 12 steps and though they may profess to be spiritual, they have told me that I am going to die, relapse and they are just waiting for me to fail and come back. Sounds bitter? Yes, I still am a bit.
I tend to the conservative side of things and I knit and read like a maniac! I am a huge fan of Tolstoy. I am in several knitting clubs and spend much time caring for my grandmother. I read the Tao Te Ching daily and meditation, yoga and running are my passions. Oh and the running is without being chased...masochism! LOL
LIfe is better taken in large gulps. I take on a lot and do my best. Sometime it is not enough, but I sure try. I am so happy to be alive and with my kids each night. My favorite thing to do is sit on the sofa surrounded by those children and their friends.-------------------------------
I am Rachelle and I am NOT an addict. I am a mom, hard worker, student, reader...
I am so many things. Why do I have to call myself by my mistake at a meeting? I have started reading and researching. All that I am reading tells me that negative statements have a negative impact. So how is calling my self by my mistake a good thing? And for the rest of my life? If I spend the rest of my life reminding myself that I made a mistake how do I move past it? I just think that I spend so much time kicking myself for messing up. I am not sure that it is healthy reminding myself daily FOREVER...
I am seeing a therapist now. She is telling me to read and she is interested in what I have found thus far. I am questioning everything and the more I read the more I am upset. All this that I have been doing is not even shown to work. Meetings, the steps, treatment, the disease concept... All of it is shown not only not to work but to be harmful to many. Where was all this information when I started attending the meetings 3 1/2 years ago?
So do I write a new 4th step on my resentments for a program that did not work for me and may have been harmful to me? sheesh...
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I pray and pray and think how I need to be better. I stand in judgement of me looking for my shortcomings for the nightly 10th step. Can I just take a day off of beating myself up? No according to the program I have to be vigilant. I have heard that my disease is doing pushups. Is that true?
Okay the disease thing is getting to me. Now hear this... take the cotton out of your damn ears! LOL "They" compare it to diabetes or cancer. I have diabetes in my family and I have had cancer. Now I know that some get diabetes from not caring for self or cancer from smoking or some other masochistic behavior. This is beside the point. The point is NO ONE and I repeat NOT ONE PERSON gets addiction without using. Okay from there where are we? Good question. I have been pondering this one myself. So here is where I am... We use for some reason.. to fit in, to be cool, because it feels good or makes us feel brave or socially able. Okay that is settled. We use... no matter the drug. Now the point... we have a bad day... at some point we have a bad day and I know... and you know what is going to make you feel good. Okay. So maybe you just use your drug of choice when you have a bad day. Maybe you are like me and you use your drug of choice as you feel anything. Progressively I used no matter what. The sun is shining! The day was rough! The day was great! No matter...I used. Google Pavlov's dog... Go on do it. What did the dog do when the bell rang? Okay that is me... bell rings and I am drooling not for steak, but for my drug of choice. As time goes on for some of us we become conditioned to act when we feel.
next...
Now I divulged that I am seeing a therapist. She is a person with some wisdom to share. Each of us...all of us does anything for a reason. In reality there is a payoff for anything that we do. When I do something to help you...the payoff is that I feel good. In reality that is the truth. No one does anything without a payoff. So the payoff for you for using is what? That is what my therapist asked me... What??? Pause... let me think about this... Okay. For me... what is the payoff? I use to isolate me. I use to take me away from reality and relax. What can I do to achieve that with no drugs? I play online games. I can achieve isolation and some alternate reality without doing something dangerous. So that is my release for now! WOO HOO
Anyway... I did not go to a meeting today. I am feeling good and curling up with a book by Dr. Peele...------------------------
Another day of reading... Today it is Powerfully Recovered that has my attention. This woman has over 25 years of sobriety. She was miserable...God that sounds familiar to me... Her aa friends and sponsor told her to do more meetings and more service. I have heard that sooooo many times. It did nothing but increase her misery though. She found that decreasing meetings and service and doing more out of aa was the key to increasing her happiness. I shared this with my therapist. I also shared with her that I was not going to any meetings at present. I have attended some ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) and find them to be less abrasive. Most of them are in therapy and to be quite honest I find the meetings to be full of people stuck. There are few working steps or anything. Lots of sharing about miserable childhoods... Whine sessions so far, but the people are kind.
Anyway... I am in this group therapy thing and it is 12 step based. I was told that I have to attend some 12 step stuff so I ventured to the ACOA. I am just uncomfortable in AA at present. I am questioning so much and feel condescended to and I am offended by that. What is wrong with my asking? In the ACOA meeting no one seems to know what is going on. The questions are welcome with that group! LOL My group therapy leader is encouraging me to rejoin the ranks of the diseased in AA. I am less than amused, but thinking once again that "they" must know better than me, right? My therapist tells me to start trusting myself and "they" (aa'ers) tell me that I am wrong. No wonder I feel confused and pulled in all directions.
Oh new note on today's adventures! My sponsor went to ACOA with me! LOL She is sick of AA meetings too! Another lady that I told about the ACOA thing showed up as well. They both sat and cried as the readings were being done. The shame and guilt that one is not to express in aa is safe here. Here in ACOA you can be upset with your parents or others and you are not shamed for having a resentment. Wounded are welcome in ACOA. I cried all through my first meeting too.-----------------------------
I am so damn frustrated as I try to talk. The program that is supposed to be spiritual is cultlike in nature and so full of hate and forced ignorance. I get shot down if I express any want of facts or truth. I am stupid and should not ask. I am so angry right now I could scream. All of my life was wrapped up in it...that freaking cult. I have nicely said "you know I am looking into other things" to be threatened with failure and using... Who the hell are these people? From all I read there are so many other ways the most effective one being just doing it...or not doing it rather... BUT you cannot do that or you are not really an alcoholic.. That "if yer not wit us, yer agin us"...
Where is the middle road? Where is acceptance? It got left on page 4freaking49 that is where it is. They (most not all) do not have it that is for freaking sure...
I feel like I am in a sea of zombies and screaming at the top of my lungs to escape.
How did I ever get so entangled?
I am taking my kids out for ice cream...-----------------------------
With a 5% success rate from AA's own research, why on earth would you be requesting that your applicants be versed in 12 steps? Most of their potential patients will not get well in 12 steps. Most do not. Most mature out. I am just wondering what sort of school you are offering with God being taught as opposed to the actual science.
It seems neglectful to be teaching something that will help so few and hurt so many. I have seen so many suffer at the hands of the self righteous few and then flourish within their own powerfulness. It seems a tad archaic to be pushing something proven to cause failure. Are we are hoping to keep the patients in the system? Is that the reason? Powerlessness fosters relapse and keeps them coming back...
The above is a letter I started writing to an addictions counseling program. They all teach 12 steps. They teach fear and weakness. WTF??? I am lost as to the reasoning unless it is money. I know the steps only work for 5% at best. Anyone reading this knows as well and this is proven and good research. So why on earth would a school teach and push something proven not to work??? I just feel sick about it.
I have so much going through my head. My life is going well and yet occasionally I still think of my drug of choice. I get upset by it and then remember that I am doing nothing wrong. I have done nothing wrong and even Dr. Bob never lost the urge to use. I know comparison with aa is silly, but the deprogramming goes on and on. I find myself thinking sometimes how this or that would be if I were still immersed in the program and each time I am certain that I have made the right choice for me.
I was never an alcoholic. Have I gotten drunk before…uh yes. I know of few who have not. Did I drink before during or after my drug of choice? No, I did not. I know that for some the use of anything is a sure way back to the drug of choice or a substitute. It may be the case for me as well. So far all is good. Some guy claimed that I am not clean. That is his opinion. I had a glass of wine 2 weeks ago and have not gotten drunk, driven to the hood, or done anything crazy for the experience. It is a fear based life that tells us that we should think the boogie man is in anything we might consume. Wine is not illegal. I have always enjoyed pairing my wines with food and cooking with the beverage to enhance the experience. This is how I enjoy it. I love the flavor and the health benefits of a glass of red are proven.
I do find myself thinking with that aa programming and fearing the glass. I find myself wondering upon waking as I go down to pour out the bottle why I was so scared. Are the fears real?? Not in my case they are not. Again I am certain that this is a behavior and behavior follows belief. I believe that I can have a bit of wine now and then. I believe that it will be wonderful and I will enjoy that glass and sleep well. Funny thing is that the things I believe are true for me. Do you believe that you will get hammered and do crazy things? I recently read a report about drinking and fear. Those who are in fear drank significantly more than those who were relaxed. So if you are taught to think yourself powerful and able to choose you will be capable of control? I do not know. Research seems to prove it and my own experience confirms that. I found myself this week wanting the taste of a honey weiss and I had half a bottle and then used 1 to make brats. Now I have 10 in my fridge and well… rather than keep them taking up space I was going to give them to the neighbors. I will not drink them all anytime soon and they have been there for 5 days now…lol
I read more and more and I am still not going to meetings. My therapy is cut down now as my therapist is confident in my ability to function and choose right from wrong. The more I am out in the real world, the more I am happy with the choice to live in the world.
How can you choose to hide? That is the choice made by the fearful. You put fear in the 4th step, but you are taught to fear others, opinions other than that of the 12 steps, the monster under the bed disease, missing a meeting, not sharing the message of god saving you, on and on it goes…. You are taught to live in fear of your own inner guide. Shameful is all I can say…-----------------------------
Rachelle can be contacted at: rachelle@blamedenial.co.uk
There is a problem with the email system on the site - if you want to send an email cut and paste the address into your client.