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FLIP-FLOPPING and leaving the Rooms
I have been meaning to write about the phenomenon of ‘flip-flopping’ for sometime now. I am not even sure that is the correct word to use, but sometime ago Ken Ragge wrote to me and talked about it. Flip-flopping is a hard concept to understand, and an even harder one to explain. To sum it up as going back and forth does little justice in this context.
I am going to use myself as the example here because it is the only experience I can draw upon. When Blamedenial was in full flow a year or so ago, I began to defend steppers, a thing which with hindsight makes absolutely no sense, seemed so logical at the time. I suppose in some sphere I felt guilty for pissing on their bonfire; or perhaps I just wanted to be decent; I am not sure which, or either. I suppose it is harder to be brutally honest when people are treating you well; a mode many steppers have afforded me. But the crucial lesson for me has been that nice people are not necessarily right. For example when I was in the rooms, when I had given myself to the program, everyone was nice to me – or were they? – but their kindness was more conditional than most. Imagine if you will the scenario: I had people at 12 Step Free telling me the sordid truth, and I had steppers trying to befriend me. Ahh but this, I am sure, is not unique to my experience alone – I suspect it happens to anyone that makes a conscious decision to leave the program. The question is, will you be drawn in by the love bombing or the truth? As I said before, and forgive me for repeating myself, but ‘nice’ people are not automatically correct.
The key word above must be ‘guilt’. Guilt is to cults what wind is to fire – they feed on it – their entire modus operandi relies on it. It is the motivator behind most, if not all, the steps; the worse we feel about ourselves, the more we need the group. If AA was a hospital and you showed up needing to have a broken leg set, they’d break the other one, and then demand your gratitude for doing so. I ‘flipped’ (he he I laughed as I wrote that) at some point, and I almost crawled back to the program, and why? Because it promises so much; it is a shame that it delivers nothing; in fact, it takes, no, it drains, you of any self at all. Those ideas that maybe I am wrong and Bill is right plagued me for almost 18 months after leaving the rooms. The slogans, those damn slogans, kept coming back to me – talk about voices in my head! ‘Do The Steps or Die’. But I have to give Bill his dues, he was right about one thing, ‘Half measures avail us nothing’. You see AA is so absolute, and just as you can’t do half the program, you can’t be half out of it either. On that point, personally speaking, I cannot compromise. I can no longer defend AA members simply because they are ‘nicer’ than others. AA is its membership. Full stop. The logic behind supporting the more friendly steppers is so flawed it is embarrassing; the only result is to hide them from the reality that might allow them to see how self-defeating this program is.
Yet flip-flopping is not a new concept. It is ingrained by AA from the moment we walk through the door – we are told to question ourselves entirely, and never to question the program. When we leave the rooms, I am afraid we are going to have to accept that we are not going to be in a position to ‘please’ anyone for a while. The steppers will detest you for rejecting their lifeline, and the exsteppers will try to educate us, which, at times, can feel hostile; it is not. AA gives us a program, and with that a clearly defined set of dos and don’ts; the real world is not that black and white. AA wants us to revere AA, but the real issue on our departure is nothing like that at all – the question is, do we do what will make us like ourselves? AA distorts self-approval and shatters it – approval only came to us in the rooms externally – that is not so once we leave. Understanding that simple concept has changed my entire outlook on my life.
I reserve the right these days to change my mind; after all that is what many of us did the second we left AA. My relationship with AA could not survive the doubt I had. People fall out; people disagree; that is normal, and arguably healthy – but not in AA. AA demands our unconditional loyalty, and we are not allowed to question, or doubt it.
I shall draw this to a close. I hope it has been useful to some of you.
Regards,
James G
J a m e s G can be contacted at jamesg@blamedenial.co.uk